Ex-Boyfriend in Boot

I suspect you have all seen the “Baby on board” warning signs in car rear windows. For those of you who haven’t, they all look much like this:

This morning, driving into the city on my way to the office, I saw what can only be described as a, “Bogan chick” with a, “P” plate and attached to the inside of her rear window what was, at first glance, an innocuous sign that looked remarkably like, “Baby on board”. On closer inspection, the sign read, “Ex-Boyfriend in Boot.” Unfortunately, much to my chagrin, I didn’t manage to snap a pic of it. As it happens, driving while struggling with a mobile phone camera was just not working for me. Now, here’s the don’t try this at home moment for you all. I must warn you not to try this at home, but it’s much easier to text or actually use the phone as a phone while driving than it is to manipulate the built-in camera in your phone when in traffic. Not that I either condone this behaviour nor perform said acts myself, but I understand it.

I’ve always wondered why those people who have things similar to this like, “Zero to Bitch in Under 3 seconds” bumper stickers would advertise the fact.

Surely this isn’t something you want the rest of the city to know? Then again, perhaps it’s like the, “Stupid” sign. What’s that, I hear? You must know the joke that recommends stupid people should have to wear a sign so you don’t or wouldn’t ask them something once you’ve seen the sign? Maybe it’s like that and we should all be grateful for the prior warning.

Anyway, here’s the joke:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – Talked ‘em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good…They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.”

“Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign… until he says, “So..is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, “No I’m delivering a bridge…Here’s your sign!”